You probably know by now that there are some nude photos of a young female pop singer that are being shopped around the Internet. We have the photos. Yes, it’s Poppy. Yes, she’s naked. You’ll probably see them soon enough. After you’re done staring at them, you’ll want to hear the interesting backstory about how those naked photos “leaked” onto the Internet. It involves a whole bunch of celebrities and a couple of fame whores. That “leak” was no accident, and three people are going to go down for it. There is a group of young Hollywood celebrities who we’ll call The Seven Celebrity Dwarfs. What the Brat Pack was to the 1980s, the Seven Celebrity Dwarfs are to this generation.They are all good-looking, young performers who have worked together, partied together, and/or dated each other at some point. Let’s meet six of The Seven Celebrity Dwarfs:Poppy is a cute, female pop singer. She’s had some struggles in the last few years, but has still managed to put out some hit songs and land a solid TV gig. Lucky is Poppy’s ex-boyfriend. He’s a cute boy bander who isn’t shy about stripping down for the camera. Although Lucky and Poppy broke up a few years ago, they are still friendly. Lucky has dated half the young starlets in Hollywood, including Clingy, a very famous singer. Clingy is a pretty, female pop artist. She writes her own stuff. That stuff is usually about one of her ex-boyfriends. Clingy and Lucky had an odd breakup during a short telephone call a few years ago. Of course, Clingy wrote a song about it. Sassy is Clingy’s best friend. Sassy is gorgeous, sweet, and a true triple threat. She is currently on a successful tour and has a pop song near the top of the charts. Twerky is another multi-talented performer. She had a hit TV series, and her own song that is currently on the top of the charts. Twerky has been quite controversial lately and has taken some real risks in trying to make herself look more mature. Twerky is best friends with Poppy. Flexy is Lucky’s brother. He is also a singer and an actor. Flexy has dated Sassy and Twerky. So…

Poppy and Twerky are besties.
Clingy and Sassy are besties.
Lucky and Flexy are brothers.
Lucky has dated Poppy and Clingy.
Flexy has dated Sassy and Twerky.

Got it so far? Good. There was an awards show last week, and most of the Seven Celebrity Dwarfs were there. Before the show, everyone was saying hello to each other… and that’s where the trouble started. Most of it was caused by Lucky’s current girlfriend, a drug-addicted nobody from another country who we’ll call Junkie. Junkie is only dating Lucky because she wants to be famous. She is too old for Lucky and a bad influence on him. Junkie was looking to score celebrity friends for herself… and a celebrity boyfriend for her sister, who we’ll call Horrie. Junkie proceeded to launch herself at celebrity after celebrity in her quest. Junkie first spied Chappy – a cute, British boy bander with a thick head of hair – and begged Lucky for an introduction. Lucky and Chappy are friends, and Chappy came over to give him a bro hug. Then Junkie practically threw herself at Chappy! She hugged him and repeatedly tried to kiss him. She draped herself over him and told him that ever since he had dumped Clingy, that she wanted to fix him up with her sister. Chappy was terribly uncomfortable during this entire exchange and tried to pull himself away. He doesn’t like talking about his relationship with Clingy, and he really didn’t want this strange girl kissing and hanging on him! He practically had to pry her arms from around his neck, and nearly tripped running away from her. Junkie then tried to ingratiate herself with Twerky. She pretended that they were old friends and tried hanging all over her. Twerky was more skillful than Chappy about running away from Junkie, complaining to one of the other Dwarfs, “Who is that girl with Lucky? Who the fuck does she think she is? Why is she getting all grabby with me?” Then it was time for everyone to be seated. Poppy and Flexy (who are just friends) performed at the show, and they were seated in one of the front rows. Sassy was next to them. Lucky and Junkie sat in the row directly behind them. It was a really awkward seating arrangement, because everyone had dated everyone. Lucky used to date Poppy and was now dating Junkie. Flexy used to date Sassy, who was best friends with Clingy (who had dated Lucky). Like we said… awkward. But all the Dwarfs have been performers for many years, and they all know the drill. Smile, be cordial, be professional. Junkie didn’t get the memo. She didn’t care who had dated who. She just wanted to ingratiate herself with as many celebrities as possible. Junkie totally sucked up to Poppy and Sassy during the event, cooing over them and telling them how talented and pretty they were and how she hoped that they would become the best of friends. Junkie seemed to have this idea in her head that the two brothers and all their ex-girlfriends and her should be a group. Oh, and that they should invite Clingy along, too! “We should really ask Clingy to hang out with us, too. After all, everybody knows that Clingy lost her virginity to Lucky, so we all really ought to be friends!” Jaws dropped.We don’t know exactly how many people heard Junkie’s comment about how Clingy lost her virginity, but the disclosure certainly surprised them! After all, at the time that they were dating, Lucky was wearing a purity ring! And everyone assumed that Clingy had lost her V-card to a wondrous older singer! Given this revelation, it’s no wonder that Clingy was so upset about her breakup with Lucky in a phone call that only lasted a few seconds! Anyway, Junkie continued blabbering on and insisting that they all hang out together. Sassy – who is besties with Clingy – gritted her teeth and sweetly blew off Junkie. Poppy also politely declined, saying that she was going to be traveling out of the country to do some charity work. Junkie perked up. She asked Poppy if Poppy’s boyfriend – another celebrity – was going to be going with her on the trip. Poppy said no. Uh, oh. Now it’s time to introduce the final member of the Seven Celebrity Dwarfs: Slimy. Slimy is Poppy’s current boyfriend. Slimy is an actor who is best known for his role on a sitcom that ended several years ago. You might also know him as a hard-partying skirt-chaser and the ex-boyfriend of several Hollywood starlets. The list of things we dislike about Slimy is long. There was the pregnancy scare he had with a 15-year-old cast member on his former television show. There are the numerous girls that he introduced to “the back door” (his preferred style since there are no more pregnancy scares that way). There is the closet full of costumes that he asks his conquests wear that he never washes the stains out of between uses. There is the occasional bruising smack that he will dole out if a girl irritates him. And, of course, there is the alcohol and the drugs and the cheating and the… like we said, the list is long. Slimy is way too old for Poppy and a bad influence on her. Frankly, Slimy is bad for everyone. In other words, he was perfect for Junkie’s sister, Horrie! Like Junkie, Horrie is a nobody who wants to be famous. So Junkie and Horrie hatched an evil plan. While Poppy was out of the country, Junkie would fix up Slimy with Horrie. Then they would then leak to the tabloids that Slimy cheated on Poppy! They could get Poppy and Slimy to break up! Then Horrie and Slimy could date, and Horrie could become famous! Poppy left on her trip… and Slimy promptly slept with Horrie. Big surprise there. In fact, Slimy hooked up with Horrie for several nights in a row last week. Of course, Poppy had absolutely no idea what was going on! She thought that Slimy – who sent her such loving public messages on Twitter while she was away – was being a good loyal boyfriend! But then something unexpected happened. During one of their nights together, Slimy showed Horrie his cell phone. Slimy’s cell phone just happened to contain some very personal photos. “OMG! There are naked photos of Poppy on your phone!” “Everybody has naked photos of their celebrity girlfriends on their phones.” “Like who?” Slimy told Horrie about Pantsy, a very famous young pop singer who has trouble keeping his pants up. “Pantsy has naked pics of Sassy on his phone. But he would never release them, because she would never speak to him again.” Releasing naked photos could break up a couple? What a great idea! Horrie called Junkie and told her about the photos of Poppy. Junkie instructed Horrie on how to steal the photos. They had to act quickly, while Poppy was still out of the country. Within 24 hours, Junkie and Horrie had made a collage of the photos, and began shopping them around. They knew that even if they couldn’t sell the photos, the the gossip blogs would pick up on the story. Their first stop was a gossip blog to which Junkie had frequently sent pieces of gossip about her boyfriend Lucky and his family and friends. Of course, they picked up the story right away. It was all perfect. Junkie and Horrie – the two evil Fame-Seeking Sisters – could ensure the breakup of Poppy and Slimy, not just by disclosing Slimy’s philandering, but by leaking private photos of Poppy as well! Poppy would be seen as a slut, Poppy would think that Slimy did it, and they would definitely break up! Then Junkie could date Lucky, and Horrie could date Slimy! What a beautiful foursome they would make! What great photo ops! Junkie and Horrie would be famous! Two sisters who date two celebrities! Famous, famous, famous! Except… we’ve just spoiled their little plan. Even if those photos get published (and they probably will), everyone will now know that Slimy cheated on Poppy, and that the leaked photos came from his phone. They will also know that Junkie and Horrie are the devious witches behind the photo leak. They used Lucky, they used Slimy, and they tried to screw over Poppy to claw their way to fame. Slimy, Junkie, and Horrie: The wrath and the fans of multiple celebrities are about to rain down on you. You’d better run and hide. Run and hide.

The Seven Celebrity Dwarfs:
Poppy: Demi Lovato
Lucky:Joe Jonas
Clingy: Taylor Swift
Sassy: Selena Gomez
Twerky: Miley Cyrus
Flexy: Nick Jonas
Junkie: Blanda Eggenschwiler
Horrie: Blanda’s sister
Chappy: Harry Styles
Slimy: Wilmer Valderrama
Pantsy: Justin Bieber


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