A Reader’s Blind Item
Although I have lived a rather sedate and quiet life, my acquaintances are always asking me to tell stories about the numerous celeb encounters that I have experienced.
Here are some of those, written in CDAN, HIMMM style:
Back in the day, I lived in Africa and my parents sent me to a posh boarding school. Because I had an American passport, I was excused from taking Afrikaans classes—which were mandatory for citizens.
The only other person in my grade with this exemption was someone I will refer to as GS, who was born in America too.
While everybody else suffered taking a language none of them wanted to learn, we wiled away our time in the school library, reading newspapers and chatting.
GS, who had a Quaker background, was for some reason exempt from all the mandatory sports and activities the rest of us were subjected to, and went home earlier than practically everyone else since he lived nearby.
After a while he and some fellow students cleaned out an unused storage area, got a key, and put their instruments in it, where they practiced during lunch.
Later on, GS moved to the States to avoid the draft and became a permanent A-List, pot-loving rocker.
When he made it big in the mid-1990s I didn’t even recognize him.
A couple of years prior to GS making it big, I will still in Africa doing work deep in the Kalahari desert.
One very hot summer day, as noon approached, I was dying for a cold drink—truly a luxury out there in the middle of nowhere where there was no electricity.
Pulling my 4 Wheel Drive into a village, I turned the engine off to hear if there was a generator somewhere nearby—the tell-tale sign of a bar.
Sure enough, I heard it buzzing in the distance and made my way over.
My assistant and I then parked outside the bar, and then went in.
The only other patron I instantly recognized—an A List mostly movie actor, who I will call “IC” who had fairly recent brought back an iconic superhero to the big screen.
Taken aback by his presence at this spot, I exclaimed, “what the hell are you doing out here?” IC, who was nursing a luke-cold brewski while looking chic in some expensive designer sportswear and athletic sandals, told me that he had recently sponsored some biologists who had made a major discovery—one of the biggest caves ever found containing this animal related to his superhero character.
Taking a break from the rigors of Hollywood, he had come out to Africa and spent a week camping out in this secret cave in the middle of nowhere.
Fast forward another decade or so, and my life took me back to America, where I took up residence in the southern Hollywood, Atlanta.
My employers, a well-known chain store, deployed me into the ritziest Black neighbourhood of town, just north of the airport, where the typical residence ran at 1 million and up.
Over the course of time I would encounter practically the entire athletic, political, and entertainment leadership of Atlanta, up very close indeed.
Probably the craziest of all the encounters I had was with this crucifix-wearing A List rapper AM, who has since evolved into a multi-threat celebrity.
AM had recently had a baby with his C-list Baby Mama, necessitating an endless set of runs to our store to pick up prescriptions for the two.
Being a celeb, AM preferred the drive thru, but on one windy day his $20 bill was blown out of his hand before he could get it into the drive thru tray, and it vanished in the breeze out into a nearby field, apparently never to be seen again.
AM was outraged, insisting that the loss of money was our fault since he had tried to pay.
After I spoke to him in the drive thru through a microphone, he remained incensed when I told him he had to pay for his prescriptions.
He then sped into the parking lot, and then entered the store with two members of his posse, whereupon they tracked me down, forced me into a corner, and tried to intimidate me into giving up the prescriptions without further payment.
A similarly frightening encounter that I had was with another paranoid A-list rapper, GB.
GB would also come to our pharmacy drive thru regularly, and hand in a shopping list which he would demand to have filled and scanned while he waited outside in his car awaiting a call on his cell to come and pay.
Inevitably I would be called in, and would refuse to perform this, although once or twice I obliged when he only wanted some milk.
One time, when GB was in a particularly bad mood, he picked up a big Magnum-style revolver and waved it around while he yelled at me through the intercom.
Most of the time, he would give up and walk in the store, whereupon nobody even gave him a second glance even though he feared being hassled by customers.
Of all the multitudes of star power that I witnessed, only one celeb ever brought the customers and business to a complete stand still.
This petite mega hot foreign-born B-List model/mostly movie actress had the figure of the animated Jessica Rabbit from the Who Framed Roger Rabbit franchise, with huge boobs and ass along with a tiny waist.
On the day she arrived with several of her booty-shaking colleagues to pick up some supplies, all were wearing rather tight-fitting clothing.
Nothing happened until they all checked out.
Musician GS: Dave Matthews
Actor IC: Val Kilmer
Rapper AM: Ludacris
Rapper GB: CeeLo Green
Model/actress: Melyssa Ford